The 3 Types of Gamer

It's simple. There are three types of video gamers: Type A, C, and M. I'm here to tell you who the hell you are, and how you might want change your habits to become a more rounded gamer like a video game Dr. Phil. So listen up bitches!

First, let's go over the three types.

Type A Gamer: "A" is for Atari! (audio, 11:03, 1.26MB)

If you are a type A gamer, you are like me. Congratulations on being so damned awesome!

As you see above, "A" stands for Atari. In the old school, which you may or may not be old enough to remember, the Atari 2600 was where the fuck home gaming was at. The Atari 2600 was so dominant that when Atari self-destructed, the entire home video game market went with it. The Atari 2600 brought a half-assed, ugly version of arcade gaming to your living room, and you LOVED it.

What makes a Type A gamer?

1) Short Attention Span: The prototypical Type A game is Pong. Start it up, move a cursor to block the ball, play to seven, and you are done. Repeat as needed. You play for score. You play to win. But you do not play to read manuals, strategy guides, or even dialogue. Simple controls, simple goals, and instant fun is what you are after.

2) Love the Coin-Op: Almost all games in arcades are games for the Type A gamer personality. Sports games, fighting games, shooters, racers are all hallmarks of the Type A mentality.

3) Victory through Crushing Defeat: You can be satisfied with a game you cannot beat. Everyone on that high score list eventually lost to the game, but you, my friend, can strive to be the best loser EVER!

4) Games without Meaning: You triumph gameplay over story. Type A gamers will not stand a game with a convoluted storyline, and if they are to play a game like that, they skip all the crappy dialogue.

Who is a Type A gamer?

Me, for one. Gabe from Penny-Arcade is another. Anyone who loves the Pac-Man as much as he is a Type A gamer. People whose favorite games could have a home in an arcade (and that includes foosball, pinball, and others), those who love non-collectable card games, and those who play sports are all likely to be Type A gamers.

Who makes the Type A games?

Most of the video game royalty. Namco, Nintendo, Sega, Capcom, are all heavily invested in the Type A gamer. It seems that the farther back a company goes, and the more Japanese a company is, the more likely they will cater to the Type A gamer.

Pros and Cons.

Pro:
- There is always a Galaga machine nearby.
- Old games are often as good as the new ones, and they are way cheaper.
- You can always squeak in a game before work.

Con:
- Arcades are dead in America, and relocation to Japan is costly. Plus they have these squiggly letters. Freaky!
- Competition results in loser and broken console. Enough said.

Type C Gamer: The "C" is for Commodore! (audio, 12:38, 1.44MB)

Do you love words? In the early 80s did you begin a game by typing LOAD"? Is this your idea of a good time?

Then you are a Type C gamer.

What makes the Type C gamer?

1) Less Gameplay, More Story: The prototypical Type C game is the text-based adventure. Fantasy, intrigue, and dice-rolling. Graphics are not necessary for the truly hardcore Type C.

2) Means to an End: With the exception of the Massively Multiplayer RPG genre (I include MUDs in that group) the games end. You conquer the bad guy, save the world, and win. Competition is not in skill but in time spent, which is why the Type C fanatic on rare occasions can starve to death in front of a computer. Time spent eating is time spent losing.

3) No Friends, No Problem: Type C games are designed to be one player. Even the online games are one person per room with no direct human contact.

Who is a Type C gamer?

Tycho from Penny-Arcade is the easiest to peg. The Type C gamer plays Role Playing Games that aren't video games and is very likely to prefer Fantasy and Sci-Fi novels over others.

Who makes the Type C games?

Square-Enix is the most famous. Due to the rising popularity of these type of games, most large video game companies make these type of games.

Pros and Cons

Pro:
- Hours of play per game.
- Competition with the game itself.

Con:
- Stories rarely better than pulp fantasy.
- Discourages showers and human contact.

Anyone who loves video games is some combination of these two types. You know how I lean, but I can get behind a good Zelda game. ZENOGEARS CAN SUCK MY ASS, however.

And now the dreaded pestilence...
The Type M Gamer: The "M" is for Small Penis (audio, 7:19, 858 KB)

Some people only play games that help their image. These people are the sole reason Acclaim still exists. The "M" is actually for "Mature" which is the rating that these people tend to flock to. If it doesn't have dead prostitutes and digital cleavage, they want nothing of it.

I'm not going to go into the pros and cons. If you care more about how a game makes you look than how fun it is, shoot yourself.

CONCLUSION (audio, 5:58, 700 KB)

Let's take a look at the order of things:

That is an "M" lying on its side, not a sigma. As you can see the A and C live in harmony and urinate on the dirty M whore.

END!

Copyright 2002-2004 by Joe Maywalt