PSP Launch Commercial Analysis
or Why This Ad Fucking Sucks

First, of course, I invite you to see the commercial in question. It's the one with the title "PSP US Launch TV Commercial #1 (3-24-2005)." I'm not going to mirror it, because I'm poor.

Yeah, that song is fucking annoying isn't it.

While looking for the commercial I came across a few PSP fan forums talking about the commercial. They used words like "amped" to describe it, and gave it glowing reviews. I think anything that could be described as "amped" is going to be awful. "Amped" is like "tubular" in that 5 years from now we will be horribly embarrassed we ever used the word with a straight face.

Now allow to point out some of the low-lights of this festering pile of cocksuckery with doctored screenshots.

They Call It "POV"

This commercial is called "POV." This is obviously hipper than calling it "Point of View." It is supposed to follow a PSP from the factory to the customer's hands and beyond.

FIGURE 1: Made in China?

Here you see what appears to be a Japanese woman closing the box from the PSP's point of view (POV get it? Brilliance!). Since it is made in China, one can only assume that this lady immigrated to China to earn less money and live in an oppressive Communist society. Real fucking smart. I think the background looks like a restaurant.

FIGURE 2: Two Seconds Later...

Bam! You are in America. This is a thirty second spot. The above two segments take 5 seconds combined. You'd have to be really observant (not me) or read about the commercial online (me) to figure out what the hell just happened. Congratulations fucknuts! You just wasted 16.7% of your fucking time.

Does this guy look like he's getting a blow up doll or what?

So now we've gone from the "birth" of the PSP to some horny nerd. Following this progression, we are going to see what he does with it, right?

The Freeloaders

WRONG!

FIGURE 3: Dumb Bitch

Now you can assume one of two things: this is a different PSP (which makes the whole life cycle of this PSP concept pointless) or that the geek up there loaned it to his "hip," "cool," and "crazy" friends. I assume the latter. So he lends it to this attractive woman, and what does she do?

SHE FUCKING HITS THE PSP?! What the hell? This is a SONY PRODUCT. You'd be lucky if it withstands normal use. I'm so telling on you, bitch.

FIGURE 4: Boy or Girl?

After a couple of other people my brother would call "Hipster Doodahs," we come to this boy. On a serious note, it's not wrong for a boy to want to be a girl. At least, that's what I've been trying to convince myself for the past few years.

FIGURE 5: Shopping!

Now we have a nerd pushing a dickhead through a supermarket. Nothing more EXTREME than that. Wait! I think I remember this guy.

FIGURE 6: Separated at Birth? (from my article "The 3 Types of Gamer")

This type of marketing didn't work for the N-Gage, but what if we take someone like this guy and put him in a shopping cart?

Really, can this get any worse?

FIGURE 7: Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture.

We are now halfway through the commercial, and we get our first look at the actual product they are selling. Those of you out there who follow the video game scene know what the PSP is. More than 99% of the rest of the world doesn't. I'm assuming you want to show off the selling points of the system.

But shaking the camera constantly is more "edgy," as proven by every MTV show since the mid-nineties. Thus we get Blur-O-Vision (tm). The DS might not have better graphics, but at least you can SEE THEM in Nintendo commercials.

FIGURE 8: The Tool Parade Marches On.

This is almost too idiotic for words. He took the PSP on a fucking rollercoaster. I'm going to tell on this guy too. Why would you pay to go on the ride if you were just going to play video games? Why would you endanger this very expensive piece of equipment this way? Why isn't anyone sitting next to you? Are you afraid of showers?

FIGURE 9: You're Fired

Youthful rebellion is not the way up the corporate ladder, Skippy.

FIGURE 10: Ice Ice Baby!

Head banging and waving a $250 PSP (probably $300-$350 with a memory card that can hold a decent amount of music) in the middle of a city is the surest way to lure the Hamburgular (from the DS vs. Game Gear 2).

The Denouement

FIGURE 11: You won't Believe What Those Assholes Did!

Back in the owners hands. I told you I was going to tell on those guys.

FIGURE 12: One Last Look...

...and we still can't hold the camera still. This wouldn't be so bad if Sony provided another way to see the system. However, there are no demo units and no active displays in any store. I don't know about you, but I would want a fucking good look before I dropped $250.

FIGURE 13: The End

Now it becomes obvious. Sony is assuming that you will buy the PSP based on the logo and the image presented in the rest of the commercial. They don't care if you see any of the system's abilities. In fact, they'd rather you not see. They don't trust you. They'd rather have you make a blind purchase based on name recognition.

Conclusion

Does it surprise me that Sony didn't sell out it's initial shipment? No. Nintendo started their DS campaign a month before launch, they put demo units in stores, and in many cases had more than one ready to show off the wireless capability. Everyone knew about the DS. Everyone had a chance to try it and decide for themselves.

Sony ran these ads that never show their product in any meaningful fashion the day of the PSP's launch. Of course no one will know about it.

Way to go Sony. You did a fucking great job!

FIN

Copyright 2002-2004 by Joe Maywalt