An In-Depth Look at the XBOX 360 MTV Special (Part 2)
  Every Part 1 should have a Part 2 unless you are Mel Brooks. Then it is OK.

This is my Part 2 to my analysis of the Ishtar of product unveilings: "MTV Presents: XBOX the Next Generation Revealed"

The story so far... Couches, Frodo, Dildo Baggins, Barnstorming, 20 year history vacuum, Hitler, core breach, Kidd Video, blocky graphics, sequels, and masturbation.

Now we come to the obligatory prostitution reference in any modern MTV show. The "Pimp My Ride" people attempt to "pimp" the XBOX, but who is really the pimp-ee?

After spending a few minutes "pimping" the original XBOX. We are whisked away with a devious segue to the Microsoft HQ to see how they "pimped" the 360.

But things are not all gumballs and French fries, as Sway is about to find out. When you enter the house of "The Man," you had better believe hw will try to keep you down.

Now we enter the lair of J Allard. I really don't know why he looks like a talking penis, but that does not change the fact that he does.

After this they talk about the new XBOX Live which will feature "micropayments!" J, however, glosses over the whole payment part of it. What a dick!

Speaking of dicks...

"Professional" gamer, Matt Leto, along with 3 others take a trip to Rare Studios to show us Perfect Dark Zero. While there, he asks the developers the tough questions like, "Is it cool?" and, "Are there destructible objects?" I, for one, hope to God we can all assume that the other players are destructible in a first-person shooter.

Matt also talks a little about himself. Let's listen in.

Then we got to see beautiful footage of the actual game!

After a few more minutes of watching Toolius Caesar and his pro gamer friends play in England, we return to LA for the first ever, 4 on 4, celebrity, team deathmatch! The 4 pros play (2 on each team) alongside these superstars of the entertainment universe:

The guy who plays the Latino character from "That 70's Show,"
Some guy from Linkin Park who is neither Linkin nor Park.
Someone from B2K. (B2K? I don't have any idea either.)
And this guy:

Seriously, Microsoft, you have a hojillion dollars. Could you have come up anyone better that "Uzi" the Japanese "Hip Hop Star?"

Then we get to the ACTION! If you watch the program you'll notice that the camera never stays on the screens too long. Why?

Because it's barely playable in the current build. It certainly doesn't look pretty or handle a reasonable frame rate. The High-Def Era has never looked so Low-Def.

Now it's time to wrap up all the loose ends. Any further questions should be directed to the Killers.

They played their new single, "Smile Like You Mean It," to the crowd. A fitting end to one of the worst 30 minutes of television ever.

CONCLUSION

In reality, the XBOX 360 looks a lot like the current generation in terms of performance. This special helped to reinforce that. Some people say the special  wasn't meant for real gamers, but that is a load of crap. There is no other reason for Microsoft to air it before E3 if it wasn't. Casual types don't pour over E3 news, so Microsoft could have waited months to reach those people with the same success.

Thanks for joining me on this ride through this television and video game cesspool. I hope to see you soon, but you might want to take a shower first. This stuff can cause infections.

 

Copyright 2002-2004 by Joe Maywalt